Snips and Snails

"You may be many things, Mr. McCandless," one of the ladies at church told me, "But you have never been a little girl."

My first, second and third reactions were to congratulate her on the assute powers of observation and deductive reasoning. They certainly pale in comparison to my own. I still don't know if Pat is male or female.

I felt like I was at the House Committee on Un-American Activities*:

McCarthy: Are you, ah, now or have you ever been a little girl?

Me: Senator, I have no knowledge of those activities, nor would I be disposed to discuss such activities if they did in fact exist. However, for my part, I can say that I do not now, nor have I ever endorsed myself as a little girl.

This was never proved more fully than this weekend when, while enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon at the house, my harmonious interests were greatly disturbed by Justice and her friend Genna (BFF for those at home wondering). Hoots, screams, laughter of a high and shrill nature such that my entire skeletal system calcified were to be heard for an 8-mile radius. There was much changing of clothing, playing the bathroom, combing, brushing, and more giggling.

I attempted to innebriate myself, as the only defense for two 9 year-olds is several quick shots of whiskey. Not the good stuff either, mind you, but the stuff that is at least 80% wood alcohol and can cause blindness. This is an added benefit, since I was inundated with requests to, "Look how Genna did my hair!" and "Do you like the way Justice is wearing her beautiful dress? Isn't she pretty?"

I'm sorry, but 9 year-olds are cute, in some cases darling, but never, ever pretty. Pretty and beautiful require age and grace that running around with skinned knees and whining because you can't have ice-cream for dinner just doesn't include. There's also a certain ugliness that goes with tantrum-throwing that I've yet to find pretty no matter who is doing the screaming, yelling, slamming doors, and crying loud enough for the entire neighborhood to think, "Dear God, they're killing her. They're actually killing her!" since those sounds are only heard outside Turkish prisons and Keanu Reeves movies.

Now, I know that I was loud, obnoxious and generally made a nuisance of myself, but it was the rare time when I went to my parents and said, "See how Jase did my hair?" If I did, it was because Jase had shaved one side, and we'd spiked the other side to the point that it now had a fine edge and could be used to ram Spanish frigates.

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything loud, annoying and related to a hair-care product.

*For the record, I'm aware that Senator Joseph McCarthy was a member of the Senate and not the House, and that his efforts were not tied to those of the HCUA. It just read better that way, ok? Sheesh.